i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
