Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
