Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
