my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
