I wish my penis had an off switch
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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