So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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