Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
