i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
