i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize