i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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