It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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