Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
