this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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