My room smells like vodka and shame
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
