I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You made out with two different species that night
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I have post one night stand depression
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
