woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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