It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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