for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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