He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize