can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
