I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
