My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm going to jail i love you
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
