I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
