You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
as a side note pls kill me
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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