I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize