it was like his penis was on wheels.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
