The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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