it's too hot outside to masturbate.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize
