a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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