yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
