my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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