I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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