Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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