under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
