no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
