If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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