after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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