Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
