If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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