How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
