it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
