So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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