I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
