so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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