my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
