There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
