why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
