my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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