Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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