For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
