But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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