you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize