please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
