tell your sister to shave her snatch
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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