my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
