And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize