What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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