I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
