The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
