It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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