dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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